she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
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