apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
Randomize
