I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
Randomize
