I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
