I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
Randomize
