I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Randomize
