Saw 2 former students outside gas station. gave me money to buy 2 12 packs, asked if I wanted to go to their party.
I told them I had a gf and took one of the 12 packs. Come over.
Texas should really raise its teaching standards.
I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
There are rumors he has a square penis....ill do anything though....
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
Randomize
