Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
Who did Billy Mays play for?
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
she went to type in rate my professors and rate my pussy came up in my recent searches. needless to say, i will likely be masturbating to the aforementioned site tonight.
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
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