dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
Randomize