Three words: puerto rican gang bang
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
Rush week is fine, only the t-shirts are white and if it rains, the frat boys in their lawn chairs will be treated to 800 freshmen girls in their first wet tshirt contest.
Welcome to college.
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
Success! We fucked roommates!
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
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