goodnight i made you a song goodbye
this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
of fours songebofy did dknt stop believing
how legible are my texts
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Blueberry probiotics greatly increase to the masturbation experience. Try it dude. It’s all the rage
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
