non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
Dude I gave him a bj because he was upset about the NFL draft, if that doesn't lock it down, i don't know what does
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
