i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
But break dance skills will only take you so far
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
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