did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
Man I can't wait till Thursday if strippers and beer are what you consider "research"
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
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