Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
Randomize
