so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize
