I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
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