I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
