I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
chastity bono is officially a man...and has a really hot girlfriend...life doesn't make sense
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
Randomize