i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
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