Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
I'm getting the same feeling waiting for the web-page to load that has my final grades that I get when I take a pregnancy test. I think I'm gonna leave my computer for 3 minutes.
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
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