Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
Did you get any pics? And I can only imagine how inferior you must have felt knowing that somewhere in that room was a guy whose penis was the length of your forearm.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
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