im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
.It's like gods test of willpower against vaginal comfort
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
Randomize
