i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
Randomize
