Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
whatever, you made your decision to be a responsible student and where did it get you? a pushed back exam and no blowjob.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
