Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
Forget abc fam drinking games. Take a shot everytime Tyra says I and you'll be dead by the first commercial
mondays should just be called national damage control day
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
