My new storm is the chrons
The only reason I needed a new one is bc I threw up on my other one(248): And since Verizon doesn't have a throw up test, I was eligible for a new one
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
Randomize