just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
Randomize
