Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
i think i just naturally attract stoners
Randomize
