I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
Randomize
