i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
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