Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
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