i just sent this text using only my big toe
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
If life deals in absolutes, the in betweens are the most hairy.... Fortune cookie wisdom from a stoned Megan.
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
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