All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
Randomize
