I think I am morally bankrupt
why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
I really hope the fuck ferry pays me a visit to close out 2011 properly.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
Randomize
