well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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