I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
Randomize
