theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
he laminated a picture of his dick.
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
