just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
Houston, we have a blender
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
There's so many drinking games in the Olympics.
you missed out this chick was licking her paddle
Randomize
