He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
to drive Frat boys away, one just needs to cat-call at them. It makes their masculinity weaker, and yours stronger.
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
Randomize
