did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
