just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
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