I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
Randomize