i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Randomize
