I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
Randomize
