The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
She said " I'm going to get her back one day soon for putting extacy in my pop while I drove her to whislter" just a heads up.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
