so...dinner was kid's cuisine and a bottle of wine. i think they go well together.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
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