u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
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