Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
At Bonnaroo. Just saw a couple emerge from a port-a-potty. Romantic?
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
Randomize
