R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
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