Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
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