if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
margarita monday on the first day back? my gpa is telling me noo! but my heart is telling me goo! I am conflicted..
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
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