I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
I am 90% sure the kid in front of me in class is picking his face spots, smelling it, and then eating it. That is a LOT of % sure for something like that.
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
Randomize
