Too much gin, very little bucket
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
I will pre answer that I did not see it the fun way. He was peeing outside.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
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