Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
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