I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
He just looks like he'd be good in bed. He looks like he has a lot of anger built up in him and all I'm saying is that if he took out on my vagina I'm cool with that
Randomize
