I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
can you come back were all locked out and alyssia's still inside passed out on the floor but more importantly i left a beer in there that's not finished
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
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