I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
After he called me a "spirited little girl" I realized that I need to stop sleeping with guys more than ten years older than me.
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
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