So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
Finally buying a camera. Missed out on recording a 3way last night. Hindsight. Ugh.
Dont care what i do tnt just as long as i get to chug a beer in somebodys face
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
Maybe he injected his testicle?
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
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