you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
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