mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
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