Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
Randomize
