I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
Randomize
