There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
