so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week
as i creep her facebook pics from back in the day till now, i noticed that her lazy eye has gotten better
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
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