Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
