Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
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