Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
Apparently you make a good broom.
we put on a show in the hot tub for our boyfriends, then climbed out and both got down on our hands and knees and puked at the same time--still naked.
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
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