I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
Robbie told me you spent 10 mins discussing the curl in his hair and that you said "with that curl in your hair, you'll go far"
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Randomize
