walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
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