My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
Randomize
