he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
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